I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
