you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
