I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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