I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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