Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Your cock deserves a montage
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
