forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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