I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
