If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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