we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
