i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
