he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
