I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
