It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
