it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
