nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
