and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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