all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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