between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
