apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize