I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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