Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize