I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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