I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
