you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
