If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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