I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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