We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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