i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize