Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
