I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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