I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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