i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
