I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
