in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
