Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
