remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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