I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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