you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
