you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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