Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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