My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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