Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
