She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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