remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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