I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
