You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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