Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
