You're completely useless in the revolution.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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