New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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