Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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