I hope mine doesn't look like that
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
