you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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