my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
