what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
