Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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