We won't sleep together?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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