how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
