The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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