If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
