kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize