quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize