remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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