You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
